KT #772

Set was about deciding he has never actually forgiven anyone, plus a beef with his white nephew over a laser-tag 'your mama' insult. Wore a Legolas/Lord of the Rings jersey that the panel roasted all segment; also mocked for his Buc-ee's-adjacent look. Opened the show as the featured regular, introduced as 'the dark storm of Austin, Texas' (formerly of Atlanta).

First bucket pull of the night, one-word stage name. Set about visiting his grandfather in Vegas (six wives, five named Barbara) ending in an adoption reveal; he ran over time and asked to finish the tag, which bombed. Says three years in comedy, lives in Wichita Falls, runs a printing business and calls himself an artist first, ex-military (finance) and an 'ex-Florida man' - Tony accused him of near stolen valor, flipped off the crowd on the way out.

Told a story about installing a security system for a couple with a permanently-on porn channel in their bathroom, joe DeRosa praised how his look, persona and material all matched; Tony invited him to the Secret Show Thursday, kill Tony debut, flew in from West Virginia just for this show and flies out the next day. About 10 years in comedy; works as a commercial real estate appraiser, dark one-liners about a roommate's crying girlfriend, his childhood babysitter, and eating ham instead of brushing his teeth.

Set was about being sent to fat camp as a kid and being 'the hot one' there ('prison rich', 'I'm an avocado'). Introduced as Dallas's own, now based in Austin - a former Mothership door person who is the full-time opener/feature for Ari Matti. From East Dallas / Lakewood, went to high school in Oak Cliff, ended by calling out shot girl Heidi and challenging her to a twerk-off, which turned into a long crowd-pleasing bit.

Set was all 'I'm bad with money' runners - credit card debt Instagram ads, a therapist who blackmailed him, being waterboarded with Pedialyte at a bar, two years in comedy, born and raised in Dallas (Oak Cliff). Currently unemployed; works as a lifeguard when employed, which produced a very long interview about the two Black people he half-saved at a pool in the hood. Tony told him to slow his delivery down for a room this size.

Jokes about a religious upbringing where shooting stars meant someone cast out of heaven ('damn, another priest') and being a bad Mexican who goes to therapy. Two and a half years in comedy, mostly in Fort Worth (started at Hyenas); from Weatherford/Wells area about 40 minutes west. Just got fired from Amazon for speeding in an electric van and starts a new Amazon job Tuesday, raised in a tiny Spanish-language doomsday church he did not leave until 23 - the preacher broadcasts live from Puerto Rico, joe DeRosa praised him for not panicking when the cat sound hit.

Single mom of two (about to be 15 and 9) with jokes about terrible taste in men and her 14-year-old son's Google history, while returning performer - had been on once before in a hoodie, which is why Tony did not recognize her. Owns an entertainment company, hosts about four karaoke and comedy open mics a week around DFW and is producing a statewide standup competition; career sales background since age 14. Recently un-engaged - Tony had predicted on her earlier appearance that her fiance would cheat. Crowd made her do jumping jacks, which started the running 'jump' chant for the rest of the night.

Says 8 to 10 years in comedy but 'bullshitting' for six of them, set about being a terrible coworker and a fake stolen-valor exchange ('two tours in Dallas'). Works for Spectrum; on workers comp after falling through a hole the previous Tuesday - 34 stitches, leg in a pink bandage, which he unwrapped on stage to show the crowd. Did a chaotic partial set of jumping jacks anyway and came back in for daps with Tony, spooking security.

Set was about Polish accents not being sexy, Poland having no oil, and Poles being 'white people without white privilege.' Polish comic, a returning face ('Tom is back') who had spent three months in Austin last year and landed back in America one week before this show, driving up from Austin. Speaks Spanish as his mandatory second language because of German-related PTSD. Tony brought a Latina audience member on stage for his first Latina kiss and he refused out of loyalty to his girlfriend in Poland, so band member Michael Gonzales kissed her instead, invited to the Secret Show.

Jokes about Pope Gregory hating cats, incest/'recess', a crocodile-alligator pun ('I'm Cayman'), and furries. One-word name, has done standup only about 10 times and started very nervous before building to a strong finish - Tony called it the most blatantly improving set he had ever seen, from Atlanta, now living in Panama City Beach; former electrician, currently unemployed, divorced, handlebar mustache, Kill Tony tattoo. The interview ran the longest of the night and centered on his 18-year-old son stabbing him four times, once in the skull, during a fight about his girlfriend's bank card.

First time ever signing up, six years in comedy out of Fort Worth (Hyenas), set about beekeeping - Africanized bees making crack, bees as the ultimate communists. Part-time beekeeper, server at Riscky's Barbecue in downtown Fort Worth; got into bees via an uncle who made $1,000 in four hours at a farmers market. Wore a shirt covered in a photo of his mother missing a tooth. Revealed he just got out of a year in prison for possession of methamphetamine (under a gram) and is 15 months sober, then told long stories about a 68-man dorm, the shower list, and a pimp who rented out a waterproof binder of pictures for two soups.

Jokes about losing his virginity to a female magician, a New Year's resolution to storm the capitol again, and reading Chinese tattoos as Panda Express menu items. Final bucket pull of the night and his second Kill Tony appearance - the first was at the Mothership in 2023 when he was about a year in, now three years and change into comedy. Lives in Mineral Wells (population 16,946, which he quoted exactly), about an hour from Dallas; fries chicken at a restaurant and has for nine years. Dad was just laid off after 27 years as superintendent of the street department; mom is a drug and alcohol counselor. Lost about a year of memory after being hit by a semi-truck before his first appearance. Did the 10 jumping jacks without being asked twice.

Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances and most interviews in show history, introduced with his full nickname reel (Vanilla Gorilla, Memphis Strangler, Goliath of Grand Prairie, Duke of Dallas, Mayor of Mineral Wells). Unusually topical minute this week - Tiger Woods, the Easter Bunny, Prince, Iran - which he said was a deliberate switch-up because Tony had been on him about 70s and 80s references. Interview was classic self-sabotage: he had the Dallas crowd fully on his side, then trashed the food quality at Buc-ee's in the heart of Texas and insulted Redban, before recommending beaver nuggets in whole milk as cereal.